At the last District Parent Advisory Council meeting in West Vancouver, our Trustee Liaison, Cindy Dekker, shared her reflections as a parent whose youngest of two daughters graduates this year, having been in our school system for the last 15 years. The straight talk was great and while some of the passion is lost without the presentation, the ideas are worth sharing with a larger audience.
She opened by acknowledging the key role that other parents played in her role as a parent raising her girls — a network of mentors. She also emphasized the influence of Barbara Coloroso as a parenting expert worth following.
Cindy’s talk focussed on three key ideas: school work, phones and communication, and finances.
On School Work:
– let your kids fail, and let them do it at a young age so they learn what they need to do to improve
– sometimes, when they forget their lunch, they need to solve the problem on their own
– help facilitate studying, but don’t do their homework for them
– don’t close any doors — encourage your kids to take a range of courses
– don’t be so worried about the “right” school, all schools are great
On Phones and Communicating:
– I bought a phone for my daughter, so it was mine, and if I called them they had to pick up — it was the rule
– the home is command central
– when your kids go to a party, call the parents and talk to them about the event and the supervision
– you meet some great parents when you connect with them over the parties they are hosting for kids
– always get the information you need from your kids before they leave the house
On Finances:
– financial literacy does not only need to be taught at school, but in the home as well
– giving allowance is great — it teaches kids about responsibility and about purchasing errors, buyers remorse and the value of charity giving
– encourage your kids to get a job and understand the value of money before they are on their own
We spend lots of time working with, and listening to, experts in the field, but parenting is one area where we usually also have a lot of real-life, lived experience and expertise in the room.
Cindy closed with a couple poems that she has had on her fridge for many years:
Unity
By Cleo V. Swarat
I dreamed I stood in a studio
And watched two sculptors there,
The clay they used was a young child’s mind
And they fashioned it with care.
One was a teacher:
the tools she used were books and music and art;
One was a parent
With a guiding hand and gentle loving heart.
And when at last their work was done,
They were proud of what they had wrought.
For the things they had worked into the child
Could never be sold or bought!
And each agreed she would have failed
if she had worked alone.
For behind the parent stood the school,
and behind the teacher stood the home!
A Touch of Love
You were six months old and full of fun.
With a blink of my eye, you were suddenly one.
There were so many things we were going to do,
But I turned my head and you turned two.
At two you were very dependent on me,
But independence took over when you turned three.
Your third birthday, another year I tried to ignore,
But when I lit the candles, there weren’t three, but four.
Four was the year that you really strived.
Why, look at you now, you’re already five.
Now you are ready for books and for rules.
This is the year that you go to school.
The big day came, you were anxious to go.
We walked to the bus; going oh, so slow.
As you climbed aboard and waved goodbye,
I felt a lump in my throat and tears stung my eyes.
Time goes by so fast, it’s hard to believe
That just yesterday you were here home with me.
And tomorrow when the bus brings you home and when you jump to the ground,
You’ll be wearing your cap and graduation gown.
So I’m holding on to these moments as hard as I can,
Because the next time I look, I’ll be seeing a man.
Parenting is messy and it is nice to be reassured that others share their stories and their lessons.
cultureofyes.ca 
Thank you Cindy from all parents… All I would add is…do not worry about the grade – focus on the work habits! At the end of the day! What matters???? – your friend – Ian
Chris and Cindy,
What a great addition to the online collection of works around education. This is a great conversation with parents that hopefully goes much farther than DPAC meeting in W. Van and reaches all PAC’s in the lower mainland. It is sound advice from someone who has had her children in the system for many years and instils in them values and skills that will surely be valuable to them, presently and in the future. Chris, this is also a great follow up to one of your past blog entries that talks to the idea of ‘parents as participants’ in their child’s education. Thanks for a very practical and encompassing-of-another-stakeholder piece.
Bernie
I have to admit, the second poem made me tear up a bit. My son is 4 and a half, and will be starting school next September.
I taught a unit on financial literacy recently to my 11th grade students. Part of the unit required students to explore their financial future, and for everyone in the class, this meant talking to their parents about paying for college, buying houses, and other major expenses. “Whose paying for my wedding Dad?”
I polled the class at the end of the unit, and found out that for almost all of my students this unit sparked the first serious family discussion about money. I’m sure those parents had shared other aspects of finance as my students had significant understanding of home finances before we started the unit, but most students didn’t understand mortgages and saving money for a deposit.
I’m certainly going to make sure I’m financially open with my son when he’s ready for it.
We are trying with financial literacy at home. It is hard to manage allowances on a regular basis, but we are working hard to create an understanding about the value of money and having discussions about finances. It is interesting how much attention financial literacy has been getting as of late in the media and the role it should have in school.
I couldn’t agree more with Cindy’s comments. Regarding communication, I made it clear to my 3 kids (youngest now nearly 19) that no matter what the hour or where they were, I would always be available to pick them up. And yes, on more than one occasion, they took me up on my offer for which I was grateful. And NEVER, try to talk to them on the ride home. That’s a conversation for another day. Be thankful they are safe. Tell them how glad you are they called you (even when it was the last thing you felt like doing in the middle of the night)!
Not a bad idea to have money somewhere in the house for cab fare, too. When they feel they have to just get out of some place quickly they can grab a cab and know money is stashed at home for emergencies.
The relationships and trust you build with your children in the teenage years are crucial. Building open communication is key.
I asked my 21 year old daughter what she thought about communication. She said, “You don’t want to feel you have to hide things from your parents. There’s a difference between a parent who you feel continuously judges you for your actions and someone that you feel comfortable asking for advice and discussing your problems.”
Thanks Judy – good advice to add to the list.
Thank you Cindy and Chris for giving hands on the rol of ‘participating parents’.
My sons 9 and 11 years old just entered the B.C schoolsystem. We are coming from the Netherlands and yes, don’t be worried about the “right” school. What matters are the teachers in the classrooms, they are working with our kids. The teachers, including esl teachers from the school of our sons are doing a great job and I am thankful. But it is not only the teachers. It’s the atmosphere of the school, when they entered the school. That atmosphere felt well when my boys entered the school. When they came out of school after one day school in a new country with a new language and the both said ‘ the feeling is good’, I knew I don’t have to worry about the “right school’. It is the right school.
Thanks for the great feedback. My experience now in three metro-Vancouver districts is that I have not been in a school I would not feel good about my chidlren attending. Having recently seen Waiting for Superman – it is such a contrast to my expereince in BC where we have such stable, consistent, strong schools. You are right – it is individual teachers that make a huge difference and we are blessed with many great ones!
Ah how good parenting has changed
When I grew up things were far simpler and I felt I had great parents. Today they would be in trouble with social services
A sample…
School Work: Do it or get out (high school years)
Phones: We had one and you got a minute to say what you had to say then get off. I can’t imagine what the policy would be in the cellphone age.
Finances: No allowance! You want money go make your own.
**Communication: I don’t want to know, just don’t get brought home by the cops.
As a parent of two kids of my own now, I have to say, my own attitude toward parenting, doesn’t venture too far off of what I was subjected to, other than perhaps communication piece.
School Work: Do it because I am not supporting for the rest of you life.
Phones: No cell phone for as long as humanly possible and if I can keep you from having one well into your 20’s I will.
Finances: Again, I am not supporting you when you are older so you better be ready to earn your own.
**Communication: I want to know everything you do so I can help you navigate life.
I am sure there will be years of therapy ahead for my kids as they try to come to grips with all that they were deprived of over the years but hey that is life.
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