In the spirit of Malcolm Gladwell’s popular books Blink and Outliers, Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman have written a book about children that challenges many of society’s (and my own) assumptions.
Based on new research about the brain, they make a compelling case that what we think we know about topics — from praise, to teaching about race, to siblings and relationships — may not be correct. Their book NurtureShock is a great read for parents/educators, and a challenge to reexamine what we think we already know.
I can highlight many ideas from the book, but here are a few of the “new” insights I gained:
- We should be praising kids for their effort and not their intelligence — when we praise for intelligence, kids are far less likely to take risks out of a fear of being wrong. We need to praise the process.
- Kids are getting an hour less sleep than they did 30 years ago, and it is having a dramatic effect on academics and emotional stability. There is a likely link between the lack of sleep and the obesity crisis among young people.
- We should consider talking with children about race like we talk to children about gender. We can be more explicit at a younger age rather than just create environments where kids are exposed to many races and cultures.
- We need to give kids some immunity for telling the truth and offer them a route back to good standing when they lie. According to the research, lying is a sign of intelligence, and often those kids who lie do better on academic achievement tests.
- We shouldn’t be testing students for being gifted until Grade 3, and those that do the tests for Kindergarten are wrong more than they are right (okay, this wasn’t really new but it confirms what is largely the norm in Canada).
- Books and videos that end with a problem being resolved often have a negative effect on kids; if much of the book or show is spent on arguing, threatening, excluding or teasing, kids remember this and not the resolution.
- Teenagers arguing with adults is a sign of respect, not disrespect, so much as the arguing is constructive to the relationship.
- There are many programs that, on the surface, appear like they should be great, but have little effect on kids behaviour (DARE was cited as a primary example of this). The thinking is, since human behaviour is incredibly stubborn, it is extremely difficult for interventions to be successful with kids.
- When parents have a conflict, they are better to resolve it in front of their kids rather than continue it outside of their presence — this allows kids to see the resolution, and not only the conflict.
This is a cursory list of some of the key messages I was left with after reading the book, and there is a lot more material that could be highlighted — some of which a real challenge to my natural instincts as a parent and a teacher.
There are a number of ways to connect with the ideas of the book, including a Facebook site, Twitter account, and a website with a number of other articles along the same lines as the book (given Stuart Shanker’s recent visit, I was interested in this one, which questioned the validity of the marshmallow test).
I always love a book that challenges my assumptions, and is open for discussion or debate with other parents and teachers.
Here is an interview with author, Po Bronson and others, outlining the Myth of Praise (Chapter 1 from the book):
Have you read this book?
cultureofyes.ca 
Some very interesting reflections on parenting, especially allowing children to observe or witness resolutions after arguments – makes sense to me as they may learn some skills in conflict resolution. However, I’m having trouble with the concept that when my teenagers argue with me, they are demonstrating respect. It doesn’t feel very respectful… The message that lying is a sign of intelligence evokes all kinds of interesting scenarios for the Principal’s office…
Here is a little more from the chapter on teenagers and lying (as nicely summarized on this blog):
For teenagers, arguing is the opposite of lying. Families that had the most argument were the ones where teenagers told the truth most often. These teenagers that argued with their parents were the ones that told the truth. They respected their parents’ right to lay down the rules but they would fight over what those rules were. Families with less arguments usually meant that the teenagers merely pretended to go along with their parents but did what they wanted to do anyway.
Ironically, while parents felt that arguments were destructive to their relationship, teenagers felt the contrary and believed that arguments strengthened their relationships. However, this was only the case where parents were willing to consider the teenager’s arguments and be flexible with the rules if the arguments presented by the teenager were relevant. Therefore, while it is true that permissive parents had teenagers that lied and misbehaved the most, parents who were strict enforcers of the rules but were willing to make adjustments as necessary were the ones who were lied to the least. For instance, making allowances to change the curfew for a particular night in which a special event was taking place.
Good Post, here are a couple of thoughts
“We should be praising kids for their effort and not their intelligence — when we praise for intelligence, kids are far less likely to take risks out of a fear of being wrong. We need to praise the process.”
This one has always been part of my life. As a kid I was not the brightest lad. I think the terminology for it back in the day was “dumb as a post”. Had my parents focused on my grades rather than praising the effort I put in, I am positive I would have not ended up where I am today.
“We should consider talking with children about race like we talk to children about gender. We can be more explicit at a younger age rather than just create environments where kids are exposed to many races and cultures.”
I am extraordinarily fortunate to be a part of a Biracial family and it is simply amazing to me to see how my children perceive the world as a result. They love the multicultural nature of Vancouver and when we went to Korea this past spring, one of the first things they noticed lack of racial diversity.
Thanks Keith – like you, some of the findings of the book, really spoke to my own experiences. I struggled in school, particularly in elementary school, but i had a teacher (actually for 3 years – grade 2,3 and 4) who focused on my effort.
Interesting implications from this research as well for how we report to students and parents.
Important stuff. Carol Dweck and a few other cognitive psychologists for many years have been showing the importance of praising effort in order to strengthen persistence, willingness to take risks, and authentic positive self-concept. Although levels of intelligence vary from child to child, one of the most important predictors of real success is willingness to try new things and ability to persist at difficult tasks. Loved the apparent refutation of the marshmallow test. Replication needed.
Thanks Aaron – we do need to find ways to get Dweck’s work into the hands of more teachers and parents. It is so powerful.
Thank you for an enlightening post, and some intriguing comments. Further to the “Teenagers arguing with adults is a sign of respect, not disrespect, so much as the arguing is constructive to the relationship,” point and continued discussion.
Initially this assertion perplexed me; upon reflection, and as a newer Social Studies teacher, I remember both the times when students challenged some aspect of our lesson or our community (a statement, idea, concept, decision, etc) and HOW they ‘argue’ their points. They have always been reasonable, usually completely on track, and after a while, I could see how the skills they were developing (critical thinking) were being tentatively applied in what they must have felt was a safe environment. Perhaps there was also respect.
Part of encouraging their efforts in these exercises has been about giving them a chance to spread their wings, if even tentatively. And, I learn a lot from them during these debates—makes me a better teacher 🙂
Thanks Kari. I hadn’t made the link from the challenges teens offer parents to the challenges teens often offer teachers. Here were more ideas that came from that chapter:
Teenagers lie to their parents. A lot.
The main reason they lie to their parents is to avoid arguments about things they’re doing or want to do.
The parents to whom teens lied the least were parents who enforced the few rules they had. Parents with tons of rules and parents who were very permissive were lied to the most.
Kids who argued with their parents saw the arguing as good for the relationship when they felt their parents had understood their side of things and had compromised with them.
Parents, on the other hand, saw arguing as destructive to the relationship and didn’t notice the compromise as a bonding factor. The inference here is that you might think your relationship with your teen is in the crapper, while your teen could think things are great because you give them your full attention and concede to them sometimes in arguments.
Teens’ brains are physically not able to experience pleasure except at extremes of experience, compared to children and adults.
Teens also are unable to make fast decisions about risk and reasonable behavior.
All that research in the ’50s and ’60s showing that teen rebellion and anger is normal was done on kids in treatment centers for behavioral problems. Turns out that when you study a wide group of teens in schools, 75% have good relationships with parents, and the 25% who don’t had trouble before becoming teens
Yes, read the book as it was recommended by one of my student’s parents a couple years ago. The best thing this book did for me was lead me to Carol Dweck’s “Mindset” and then Matthew Syed’s “Bounce”.
Since then, I have caught myself and so many others calling students athletic, smart, creative, etc and then created dialogue around the feedback we give kids. We want our kids to have a growth mindset and one way to encourage this is by praising effort. I often ask a child the why’s of success or say things like “you must have worked really hard on this” or “how much did you practice that to get to this point”.
So much research is coming out about the importance of effort rather than talent. I love this stuff because it gives hope to every child.
I think the work of Dweck is becoming increasingly influential in BC. With particular credit to Judy Halbert and Linda Kaser, who who often speak about it and the idea of growth mindsets, it is becoming much better known in education circles. Of course, spending time with my kids in sports, it is definitely not reflected very often with youth sports coaches.
I found the section on praise particularly powerful, as well as the section on sleep. Both speak to how we set up our system – and actually there are some really small changes, that according to this research we could make that would be tremendous support for our kids.
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